Roses are Red, Violets are Blue, Talk about money before you say “I Do!”

By Angela Grannan on February 23, 2023

Last week we celebrated the most romantic day of the year – Valentine’s Day. A day to celebrate those you love and your feelings for each other. Ahhh, love…

But after the roses have died and the chocolate has been consumed, maybe it’s time to do something really intimate…share your values around money with your partner. Let’s face it there is really nothing romantic about these financial conversations, but an open and honest conversation creates a vulnerability that is an important part of intimacy in a relationship. [1]

These conversations should start early. Yes–when you are dating! Discuss your financial history and the lessons you have learned along the way. One partner may be a spender, and one may be a saver. And, of course, it’s essential to know about debt habits and obligations. [2]

As Beyonce says, when you “put a ring on it” and get engaged, the more serious conversations should begin. 

Getting Started

Combining finances is a big step, so discussing budgeting, paying off debt and saving for future big purchases is imperative. Honest and open conversations are so important. Be sure to take turns speaking, don’t interrupt each other, and there should be no shaming or blaming when discussing each other’s finances.[3]

Before you walk down the aisle, consider a prenuptial agreement. Prenups are not just for the rich and famous anymore. These agreements force the discussion of finances with your fiancée..

Pros: A prenup puts in place a legally binding agreement for how assets will be divided in case of divorce.[4]  This agreement should be considered if one spouse has significant premarital assets (perhaps family or a business), this is a second marriage for one or both spouses or if one spouse has significant debt or plans to incur significant debt. 

These agreements prepare a couple for the unthinkable (divorce) and can save them emotionally and financially.[5]  

Cons: A prenup can create a feeling of distrust or a lack of acceptance into a new family. If one spouse has inherited family wealth, a more modern solution may be an irrevocable trust. If inherited assets are titled correctly, a prenup may not be necessary. A future wedding presents an opportunity to have these discussions with your parents.  

Tip: Couples can also create a combined Net Worth statement that details each individual’s premarital assets and liabilities. Avoid comingling those assets once you are married and be sure to manage post marriage assets separate from premarital assets.   

First Comes Love Then Comes Marriage

As a married couple you will experience many life changes together-houses, careers, kids, etc. 

When it comes to your finances, an ongoing conversation is critical. It is important to set your financial goals together and create a list of short term and long term priorities. However, this isn’t a set it and forget it situation. Your finances and financial goals will require ongoing conversations and regular check ins on how your plan is progressing.  

Financial difficulties are one of the top three reasons for divorce. “Financial intimacy” is dependent on several elements:

• Equality and Inclusivity– Partners should have equal say in financial decisions (even if one partner makes substantially more money). An imbalance in those decisions can bring up feelings of resentment and make one spouse feel inadequate.
• Transparency– Information should be shared openly. Visual evidence (statements, performance reports) is often helpful. Be honest with your partner and don’t be dishonest about debt!
• Sustainability– Be realistic and create a long-term plan that you can stick to. An overly aggressive or unsustainable plan can cause stress, resentment or secrecy (see Transparency!) between partners.  
• Flexibility– Life changes! Sometimes your financial plans need to change too. 

That’s why it’s really important to have regular “Financial Dates” with your partner. Check in, see how things are progressing and determine what may need an update.[6] 

If you are finding these conversations difficult, invite your wealth advisor to join you to facilitate the discussion. Your advisor can help you create a financial plan that will lay out your goals and analyze your assets, liabilities, income and help you come up with a plan that is sustainable over the long term.  

Bottom line, openly discussing finances is a skill, and skills take practice. But the more you do it the stronger your relationship and finances will become.[7]  Happy belated Valentine’s Day.  

  [1] https://www.npr.org/2021/08/16/1028081097/money-financial-intimacy-talk-relationship-advice

[2] https://www.raymondjames.com/breadwinnerwomen/blog/2021/05/20/financial-conversation-tips-for-couples

[3]https://thrivingcenterofpsych.com/blog/tips-for-a-productive-financial-discussion-with-your-partner/

[4] https://money.usnews.com/money/personal-finance/family-finance/articles/should-you-get-a-prenup

[5] https://www.cnbc.com/2020/03/11/why-suze-orman-says-you-should-always-get-a-prenup.html

[6] https://www.npr.org/2021/08/16/1028081097/money-financial-intimacy-talk-relationship-advice

[7] https://www.raymondjames.com/breadwinnerwomen/blog/2021/05/20/financial-conversation-tips-for-couples